| Sometimes |
[Aug. 19th, 2005|02:19 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  hopeful | ] |
I feel completely confident that everything is going to be okay. |
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| I am still not chicken little |
[Aug. 19th, 2005|01:23 pm] |
of course the stuff with J has been resolved to our mutual satisfaction and I am underway in getting m class done, and beefing up my Mac skills will not be rocket science. |
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| Still bummed out |
[Aug. 18th, 2005|04:02 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
about the husband thing, but I am trying not to chicken little myself over it. |
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| Rules |
[Aug. 18th, 2005|04:00 pm] |
As per Dr. S.:
1. Don't shit on a rock
2. You are not chicken little |
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| WHat could be less enticing to me |
[Aug. 18th, 2005|03:58 pm] |
than praying with Jen? I don't think she's going to like my approach. But we'll see. On all of the coins and whatnot it says, "To thine own self be true." Hopefully that will continue to hold. |
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| Magical thinking |
[Aug. 18th, 2005|12:07 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | gloomy | ] |
Even though you know stopping a behavior you wish to change won't magically make everything okay, of course deep down you hope it will be like waving a magic wand.
Not so much here. Take the weight. I had told myself I was chunky because of drinking, and yet by not drinking for over 100 days I have only lost like 10 lbs. Obviously 10 lbs. is better than nothing, but not quite the 60 lb loss i had been magically hoping for.
Without question life is better sober, but this is all new and there is a period of adjustment. One of the things that this summer has sent to hell is my sex life.
I don't know why I thought being sober would somehow make me sexually irresitable, but it feels like the opposite has been the case. Obviously the evening meetings do present some logistical issues, and after a meeting I usually feel contemplative rather than amorous.
I tried to sound J out last night on if he was so pissy because of the $$ situation, unfairness about workload, etc., and he just about took my head off and said it was lack of sex.
I told him I was tired of always initiating it, and he said he is the one who is always initiating it, and we're just at odds with each other about it.
He said I have made a few sex dates and then broken them, which is true; on the other hand, if I didn't make the sex dates (not the most romantic scheduling optioon, but you do what you can) we wouldn't have even had that, I feel.
So anyway it just sucks. of course, tonight he won't even be home until the early a.m. working on a computer project, so nothing will resolve itself today.
Sucks. |
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| Jen |
[Aug. 17th, 2005|08:35 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | jubilant | ] |
I am so fortunate to have Jen as a sponsor. I cannot say that enough. I cannot imagine doing this without someone so committed to me, the program, and her own growth as a person. I have been wanting to give her a present for a while, but I'm not sure what yet. I know she loves shoes and hats, but she is also a compulsive shopper, so she has a lot :) |
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| Reunion |
[Aug. 17th, 2005|08:30 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
I have a lot to say about the reunion, but I also like putting it behind me. I might just keep this short, or at least just for tonight.
Without taking the personal inventory of the Queen, but instead focussing on myself, I really did not do a good job of living in the day. As it worked out, I only spent one day with her, and she was human during that time. I was too. But I worried about it for ages beforehand. Someof this worry was constructive, because it got me putting my needs first and doing what was right for me. Some of this worry was founded, because J walked in on her bragging that she knew the secret ages before her brothers, just to be a big bitch. But mostly the worry was a stupid waste of energy, because I only had to deal with her for one day but I was angry about it for way too fucking long. My overall wellbeing and mental health matter too, and I shouldn't sabotage myself about that.
I also learned there are other cousins who think she is a pain in the ass.
I am also thankful for Xanax, which made this all possible. And I took very little, but I needed it and it worked. |
|
|
| Rockhound |
[Aug. 17th, 2005|08:20 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | happy | ] |
Weeks ago when I first brought up the higher power issue with Dr. S., he went into this kind of jungian collective subconscious thing and used this bizarre analogy about how if you crap on a rock it turns to dust, but if you crap on the ground something can grow out of it. Like share your issues so something good can come out of it.
I have been replaying a lot of my discussions with Dr. S. and J. to get a grip on this 3rd step thing. That particular conversation was bouncing around in my head while I was getting dressed.
So anyway, while we were on vacation, we went fossil collecting, and along with other cool things we found coprolites, which of course are fossilized crap. I put a few in a padded envelope and walked into Dr. S's office, saying, "Hey, I brought you a souveneir." I asked him if I remembered that conversations, and handed him the envelope, offering, "In the spirit of fun...." (because after all what do ytou really say to someone if you are giving them crap rock as a present?)
He took one look and started cracking up. I was really impressed that he knew right away what it was. He even knew some factoids about it, so either he's really into paleotology, or one of his kids are or whatever. It was a cool moment. It felt good to make someone laugh. |
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|
| Epihany |
[Aug. 17th, 2005|08:16 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | rejuvenated | ] |
As a nonreligious person, the program has been a struggle to try to come to grips with all of this god shit. As much as the dogma espouses that the program is open to all people, the way many AA people talk about it, it is clear that they mean god when they say "higher power."
So today, being the last day of my 30 day reread chapter 4 torture, I finally woke up, thqanks to the continued efforts of J and dr. S. and I guess my own mind.
My deal is, I have a problem I can't solve on my own. I know a more spiritual thing helps other people, therefore it should probably help me, because I am not that different from anyone else. That does not mean that I have to be religious. It just accepts that the problem is beyond my control, the solution is beyond my control. And zI don't have to know the answer to eveything, and I don't have to be afraid of things I don't understand. |
|
|
| I survived! |
[Aug. 15th, 2005|03:22 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | relieved | ] |
Not only did I survive inlaw week, but I took Dr. S.'s advice about mental judo, and survived with the Queen.
Of course, I also left the country for 2 days.
I have a lot to write about, but right now I am so tired it's just not going to happen. |
|
|
| Bright side |
[Aug. 4th, 2005|06:58 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | contemplative | ] |
the bright side, if there is one, is that Dr. S. told me about how much he reacted to his SIL who would put him down for being of a different religion. Now she has a shitty life, and he has a good life. So there is something to the shadow thing, in some kind of karma way LOL |
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| Hating the shadow on day 91 |
[Aug. 4th, 2005|06:53 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  angry | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Bitch is Back | ] |
I told Dr. S. on Tuesday about how much I dread seeing the succubus next week. He told me about the "shadow self" and how you use that to understand why you react so strongly to certain people, and how you turn that around to improve yourself.
This seemed like a great plan until today, as I find myself driving around and falling into those same thought loops about how angry and hurt I am with her.
It's to the point that I feel like if someone at this thing asks me if I am close with S, I need to have something rehearsed, so I don't just go off.
I don't want to be like this AND I do want to be like this.
I am totally fucked up. |
|
|
| Chakra Khan |
[Aug. 2nd, 2005|11:55 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | surprised | ] |
So Thursday when I was freaking out, Dr. S. gave me a list of suggestions to try, and one was to visit an energy healer. I was so desperate that night that if he had asked me to cut off my own feet and poach them in a wine reduction sauce, I would have been like, "White or red?" So anyway I called B. for the energy healing appointment.
By this morning, of course, I felt great, and as I was driving across town I was thinking, well, the worst that happens is nothing and I lose $25. It will probably be relaxing, at least.
Wow. It was so incredible, I cannot even describe it.
Basically B. was this super nice granola yoga type, or as J and I would refer to someone like her, a "bendy" person. Very pretty (T. should go out with her!), and someone you could just tell was kind. I told her the bare minimum of why I was there, and then she got to work.
She seemed to think I knew what we were doing, although I said I was clueless. She asked me if I knew what an aura is, and I told her I can see a few at AA, (which has kind of freaked me out, but I tried not to let on that I think that's kind of freaky. it doesn't feel freaky when I see it, just intellectually this is all odd to me). So we talked about that a little.
Warning, this is out there:
I see green, blue and pink around the healthy people. The Green people are consummately safe, the blue people are healthy but I'm not particularly drawn to them, the pink people are important to me and I don't totally know what that means. Jen is pink. Most people have no colors. I have only ever told Jen about this before today, because it sounds too crazy.
I laid down on this massage table, and she put her hands over me and started doing this deep breathing thing. It lasted an hour, and she moved around, and occasionally touched my feet and head. I started to feel something right away, mostly when she was feeling above my sides. I saw all these colors, on one side I saw a lot of dark blue/purple opposed with yellow, sometimes it was a gray/white thing. Sometimes I felt like my spine was going through the floor. About 5 minutes into it I knew I'd be back, whatever this is.
It was like nonsexual sex. That's the best way i can describe it. And I felt phenomenal afterwards, but not in the same way as after a massage. I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted? It was just really weird but good weird.
So then I worked for a while and everything went phenomenally.
At the end of the afternoon I ended up with Dr. S., and he thanked me for leaving the update message, which I had totally forgotten about. So I was talking about when the PAWS went away, and he asked what worked. I was like well, I guess everything you suggested I more or less did. He was kind of looking at me, and I listed some of his suggestions, and what I thought of it all. So he was like, "Well what about the energy healing work?" And I was like, "Oh yeah, I did that this morning." He asked who I saw, and I said it was the woman he recommended (like I had a personal energy healer on call, jesus). He just about fell out of his chair and blurted out, "I didn't know you were so open minded." I got a kick out of that, like you could tell he didn't mean to say that out loud.
I talked not only about how great it felt, but also about how weird it seems. But he said in Asia it is like totally commonplace and self explanatory, and that going back to her might be even more important than some of the other stuff that I am doing. And as crazy as it sounds, I do think he might be right.
Sometimes I even surprise myself. |
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|
| When S. asked me what to pack... |
[Aug. 2nd, 2005|11:50 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | amused | ] |
...a few weeks ago I said something smart-assedly like, "And extra sense of humor and all the Xanax you can carry on."
Well today I saw my GP who was the first person besides my husband that I ever spoke about my alcoholism with seriously. So I thanked him for his support and everything, which totally made his day, but anyway I was discussing the PAWS thing with him, and how Dr. S. wanted me to talk to him but I didn't want medication every day, but when I am in that place it does really blow, and he was like, well, "Why don't I write you the baby dose of Xanax?" |
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| There has to be a morning after |
[Aug. 2nd, 2005|11:49 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | bitchy | ] |
I have been feeling stressed about seeing the Queen on vacation next week.
Dr. S.: So tell me what your sister-in-law is like?
Me: Did you ever seen that episode of South Park where the children try to stop Chef from marrying the succubus? |
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|
| Here is a concrete example of why I am a freak |
[Aug. 1st, 2005|04:11 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  weird | ] |
So I come home and I have a voicemail from D, asking me to call her ASAP. So I get a sick feeling in the middle of my stomach and assume I have screwed something up so badly that there will never be any recovery and I will be off the project. Now keep in mind this is kind of my bullshit ass't job and I really have no power or responsibility. Anyway, it was just that the invoicing on the project is screwed up because like 2 other people have screwed this up, none of them me, so it was the perfect time to demonstrate my flexibility about my billing, and it was very fun and we laughed and laughed, and it was all good, and why did I doubt myself again? |
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|
| PAWS |
[Aug. 1st, 2005|01:29 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | contemplative | ] |
I am a lot more focussed than I have been in days. I also have not had much sleep in days. That's kind fo concerning. |
|
|
| Confessions of a whackjob drama queen |
[Aug. 1st, 2005|01:24 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | jubilant | ] |
So I finihsed the paper today, it was a lot like giving birth, and I so happy taht's that. well, I mean that's that until I start revising it, but I won't have to this month.
Of course in my extreme inability to conceive of the real world, my grade was already entered before I turned it in, because, of course, I totally dominated that project in terms of the quality of work at hand. So I was kind fo psychotic about a largely phony deadline. On the other hand, without a deadline I would work on it the rest of my life.
I am such a psycho about deadlines. I really need to figure out why I get like that.
today i am just going to play and clean. I should probably make some calls, but I have all week to do so, I'd rather get started tomorrow. |
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|
| Perspective |
[Aug. 1st, 2005|05:33 am] |
I am totally gripped by anxiety about finishing this paper, but I am forcing my way through it. Tis is so irrational and yet so real. I know I cannot pretend like this isn't happening.
At the same time, I just read an article in the freep about a family where the dad restored a Duesenberg and was returning it to the owner (with the guy's family taking one last ride) when a young guy accidentally ran and stopsign and killed the parents.
In typical freep style the first 2 paragraphs were about the car, not the family.
But god what a tragedy.
What I am going through is nothing compared to that, but it is kind of overwhelming to me. |
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